What a life lesson you got. Strength comes from many different sources and not always the expected ones.
My story is not as ... drama filled... but I'll share it anyways.
My family was never a religious family. I to this day do not even know if my mother believes in God or A God or not. I have never asked, and most likely never will. I know my father does, as does my maternal Grandmother, but to my recollection, we have never attended a church, gone to a service, or anything of the like. So in one way I guess I was lucky there not to have been forced into practicing something I did not feel was for me.
I cannot remember when I knew that the traditional God worship religions were not for me...seems like I just always knew. As a kid in elementary school, my best friend was very Christian, it was the one thing she identified with that defined her. Her church was a non-denominational Christian church that I attended often on sleepover weekends at her house. I would sit in the youth group room listening to what was said thinking I should feel like this is right... yet knowing that it was all wrong. This God was not MY God, and he would never be MY God. It was something similar to trying to fit a hexagon into a circular hole lol. I wasn't even on the same wavelength for that church to feel right to me. Didn't stop her or her family from trying to convert and 'save' me... I have been 'saved' so many times by clergy people that I should live a good long time
.
High School, my third and permanent circle of friends. This time much more accepting, and non-judgmental. I am still close with two of them to this day...some 20 years later. For 3 years at lunch we would have theological discussions that would sound to outsiders like vicious arguments, but was just us having fun. I considered myself to be an atheist then, one was raised mormon, one was generic christian, and the fourth was undecided (like me, but he didn't discount the existence of God like I did).
One of these close friends later on after we had graduated, made a comment to me somewhat out of the blue during a conversation about how I had never not had happy people around me. The comment was something like 'Well you've always drawn that too you, its not something you have to think about, it just happens. People automatically gravitate to you not just because you want them too, but because it is in your nature to do so.' I am paraphrasing slightly, but it stopped me and really made me start to think about things...
I was also working full time managing an equine boarding facility after school and on weekends, so I had a lot of solitary thinking time. While the concept that 'I could do or be ... whatever I am...' did not really occur to me then, I started to realize that I had an affinity for horses... more so than just the normal 'i like horses, i clean their stalls, they are pretty...typical horse crazed girl stuff'.
My journey exploring this side of me brought me to a barn that rehabbed 'problem horses'. My job with them was to re-teach the horses ground manners, so by the time the 'trainers' started working with them, THEY didn't get hurt. Yea, I thought that was a lil backwards as well... but it gave me an opportunity that I had never dreamed I'd ever get. Going one on one with horses of every background, type, personality, etc, in a round pen setting where I am given nearly free rein to work with them in whichever manner I choose, as long as it is not abusive or cruel. Which I would never practice anyways. It gave me the insight and skills to walk up to any horse, and within an session or two, have that animal completely trust me - WITHOUT gimmicks, training tricks, equipment, or running the horse around the pen. Just me, the horse, and energy. It was powerful, and the energy work I learned with that opened up my eyes to what I really could do.
It was that job, and experimenting with sending out energy to the horses and actually
seeing them recieve and respond to it that started to lead me on my current path. The job ended badly (too much negative energy from the trainers and their clients... like attracts like...) and I left to go back to the 'normal working world', always wondering what could have been had I stayed and continued with what I was doing.
During my adult life I'd get flashes of things, odd feelings, dreams would come true, things I made up would actually happen...etc. It wasn't often, but often enough.
Then...about 6 or 7 years ago, I was seperated from my husband, living on my own for the first time as an adult, and lonely. I found an adult dating site that had a chatroom limited to the local area, and started talking to a bunch of different people. I met the man that was to be my next LTR in that room, but I also met another man that ended up being more importaint, and more influential in my life than the other person I ended up falling in love with.
My relationship was toxic from the very beginning... but I was unable to see or understand that for a very long time. "B" was everything I thought I wanted, but that was only on the surface. It wasn't until just the last few weeks that I have come to realize that he, by the very nature of his being, and not through any conscious descision or awareness on his part, is an energy vampire. He was also a closet addict and our first year together was spent battling that. We won the fight to have only a few months of bliss together before his biggest war started... his disintegrating spine. After nearly 5 more years of doctors, pain pill addictions, quack treatments, depression, not to mention the daily pain and misery, I couldn't handle the negativity anymore. He was sucking everything I had and I couldn't give him what he needed anymore - emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc.
I tried unsuccessfully during most of our relationship to start a path of my own. I had the desire to learn, the will to follow through, but naught the energy to do so. I had figured out that I had the ability to occasionally manipulate energy to do what I wanted it to (I.E. the horses) but without that environment I couldn't manage to do it again.
August of this year, I left "B" for good. I moved in with family, and aside from a mourning period for the loss of my constant companion/best friend for the last 6 years, I have felt better than I have in years. My energy is now my own, finally, and is not being used to feed someone else anymore against my subconscious will.
Now, "K" ... how to explain "K". He's the whole reason I'm here. He's my best friend, lover, moral compass, teacher, and...occasional partner in crime. He is married to a wonderful, beautiful soul who allows him (and herself, really) the ability to love outside of the hard and fast boundaries of what marriage has become today. its a good thing she likes me too lmao. He also happens to be a Druid Mage, and had been waiting for me to 'show myself' to him for most of his life - but when I did, unexpectedly in that chat room 6 years ago - I scared him badly enough that he ran from me emotionally and I unknowingly chose "B" instead of him - but that's not really the story to tell here. I was meant for "K" in this lifetime, but our separate choices have made it impossible for that to happen so we simply agreed to sweep it under the rug, and go on with our lives the way they are now - him with his wife that he's madly in love with, and me on my search for...I don't know yet.
He revealed to me early on that he was a Mage...though at the time I really did not know what that meant. I am not sure I do now, though I have a greater concept of what he believes - not as much as what he does. He is a walking ancient soul...he's been reincarnated so many times he's lost count, and yes he does remember most, if not all of his past lives. Every woman he's been with in this life (yes I mean THAT way) he has known before, myself and his current wife included. According to him, this is not the first time we've 'found' each other, and won't be the last... There isn't a day that goes by that we aren't talking constantly by text or IM lol.... its bad enough that his wife calls me 'his girlfriend' without the emotions that go with that label.
Anyways, he was a constant soothing presence for me over the duration of my doomed LTR with "B", and was the happiest one for me when I got out. He has been the one to open my eyes to a lot of things ... and finally revealed to me recently a lot of things I was not aware of but not oblivious too. He is the one that showed me that I was NOT crazy all these long years, that what I felt and knew to be true was not just 'in my head'...and is encouraging me now to take this path.
He'd always tease me about myself...telling me just enough stuff that he shouldn't have known to drive me nuts, then not explain why or how he knew it. When I left "B", we became more than friends, and that broke open the wall he'd been staying behind, and I've learned more about who he is, who I am, and what I'm supposed to do with this life than I ever dreamed of. Because he had been waiting for me to come to this realization for so long (and says I'm barely there at that), now that I'm mentally aware of it, he's is strongly encouraging for me to embrace that which is Witch in me.
No... encouraging isn't the right word. I was basically told that I needed to do this for myself, cause he is tired of having to block the raw energy I am constantly feeding him without realizing it.
And that it was time I learned how to control the way I make people - men especially - react to me.
Tho.. how I'm supposed to do that is currently beyond me.
So I guess the point to this long tale is that I am don't have a 'pre-wicca' ... I am 'pre-wicca' right now. I'm clueless on where to start, what to do, what I need to learn, etc.
But I'm sure I'll figure it out!
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